So the BIG day came and went. And, it was awful (as was expected) but not awful like I thought it would be (it never is folks).
I couldn't sleep. It had been months.
Months! I knew it was just waiting for me. There was no way around it.
I felt it in my gut.
It was making me ill.
I was having nightmares.
I was tired of being afraid. Or rather, afraid for her. I couldn't take it anymore.
I just had to go through it. There was no getting around it.
It's been that shadow lingering over me. One day soon, my heart would be ripped out and thrown to the ground.
That's right people. We're talking about the first day of school....
Finally, I just wanted to get it over with. My nerves were shot and frankly, going that long with preschool nightmares, I was on the edge.
I just wanted to "rip the band aid off" so to speak.
And so the BIG day came.
She woke up bright and early, with a sweet smile on her face. She always wakes up like this.
One of my names for her is "sunshine".
We had breakfast. My son was not so thrilled that summer was indeed over but my baby girl was all smiles at starting this thing called "school".
I tried to put on a brave face, when I was dying inside.
Looking back, I'm sure I was a little too chipper and spoke in a sing song way, which I'm sure freaked the kiddos out.
I am so NOT the chipper type.
They were onto me...
We drove to school, my stomach lurched.
Thankfully it was a short drive.
As we got closer, she seemed to get more and more quiet.
As we got out of the car and walked to school, she seemed excited...good sign, right?
"Big girl!" I thought. (Sad mommy....)
As we got closer and she saw all the bigger kids (really- why do they let those animals near the BABIES????)
(Yes, my sweet son is one of those "animals" but at least I know THAT one.)
She started walking slower and slower.. (broke my heart)
I tried to shield her from the BIG BAD WORLD and immediately in that second decided I would indeed homeschool (did I mention tuition was paid in full???!)
The bell rang.
Dum, dum, duuuuuuum.
My son took off (no kiss, no goodbye, nothing). Typical.
I walked up to the sign in area.
Some other child was screaming her head off. I felt for that mama, but really- every woman for himself people!! I knew that kid could set my daughter off at any second.
It would be like the domino effect.
But..she didn't cry.
If she was rattled, she didn't show it. (Brave little one!)
The time came for her to go in, and I thought I'd get out unscathed.
She turned, hugged my legs, and said:
"I want you to come with me mama."
Knife in the heart.
Bullet to the chest.
I said all cheery like:
"Oh, (ha ha ha) but I'll be back to pick you up!" (How lame is that??!)
I'm no good on my feet.
And at that moment her teacher kneeled down to hug her.
She walked in, dwarfed by her hello kitty backpack, and never looked back.
Another bullet fired.
Later when I look back, it struck me that she didn't say "I want to go home" as others did.
Instead, she wanted to go, but wanted me there WITH her on that new journey.
(She DOES still love her mama!)
At that point I knew she was ready, which, as much as it hurt, made it better about our decision to send her.
I still think 3 is waaaaaay too young to go to school, but really I think I would feel that way at ANY age, ya know?
---A month in---
She is doing great! No crying, although I do see some behavior changes that we are working through.
Now if you can believe it, the problem is -she loves her teacher a little TOO much!
On the weekend, (aka MY time with my baby!) she wants to go to school and see "Mrs. What's her face".
Huh. Didn't see that one coming...
Sigh-This parenting stuff is rough!