I can't decide whether this will be part of my blog, or a new blog but at the moment I can't get all caught up with that. OCD will take over and then I will have missed the point in first place.
A New Year! Usually I hate change but this year I have a good feeling about it. I feel like it will be a year with revelations and also great change, and much MUCH joy. Well, either that or I'm gonna die and deep down my body knows "This is your last chance at the rodeo- don't blow it kid..." I'm really hoping that's not it tho...major bummer to say the least.
And so, in a really bad fight with a loved one, it has been brought up that lately I am well... cruel. And to quote "have gotten crueler with time". Ouch! After much thought, preceded by deep resentment and mentally making a note to NEVER speak to this person again! I realized... they were right.
Somehow with a new baby to the mix, plus all the stresses of life, tack on guilt of not being able to do more, letting people down, blah blah blah.. it all was killing me. Like, I was drowning. I've known this for awhile and I would try to thrive on the stress like I did in my youth, but it was getting to me man!
And so I've resolved to take it easy. Not just with my time, but with my heart and mind. Ok soul too.. (felt wrong NOT to throw that in too!)
I'm gonna give myself a break. But not in the "poor me and my awful life!!" (all victim like) but more just getting back to being joyful and .. happy? Not even happy. How about kind? Even when I am not shown kindness back. Even when I am in a crap mood, tired, and have no idea what to make or have for dinner. When the baby is crying, the other two are fighting. When I am angry, stressed, tired or even sick/in pain.
Because really? Is it WORTH getting it all done if at the end of the day you've hurt those around you and you hate yourself because of it? Yeah, I'm thinking not. Or, I know not.
I feel like right now this little light of mine, this gem I got going for me is dim now. I don't want it to blow out. I don't want to forget this feeling I've got.
So- I will hold myself accountable to it. Every day, a way to be.. kinder. I'm sure, actually I'm positive, this is how Jesus wants us to be. To love one another, even if you cannot STAND the person. I will try, I really will, adn give it my best shot every day.
I'm sure it will show up around me. Like a flower that blooms. It will show up on my kids, my spouse, friends, and myself. I can go to bed not feeling like the grinch or smeegle from "Lord of the rings" (Sorry-just saw "The Hobbit" in the theaters). Poor guy was so...confused and having such inner conflicts within himself! I sooooo get it buddy!
Now, I'm sure I will slip up. Just writing this I almost freaked out as my sweet girl asked me questions and INTERRUPTED my thoughts. The irony I tell you...
The biggest struggle I think will be with the kids. They are such... willful creatures I tell you. They try my patience all day, every day. And usually I tend to lead with...an ironfist lets say...
THAT will be a struggle.
